I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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