Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
