my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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