Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
