Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
