12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
