so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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