I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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