my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
