he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
