I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize