No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
