Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Randomize
