I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
