She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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