life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
