you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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