i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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