two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
