Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
