Please, let me fuck your mom
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize