I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
In America we eat man semen.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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