i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
