did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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