if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
