She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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