I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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