peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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