Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
