No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
