You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize