I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
