the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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