so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
