I accidentally had phone sex last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
