I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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