had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
