just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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