your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
