There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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