I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
