he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
