He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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