I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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