Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
