She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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