Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize