wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
