I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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