The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
