No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
