Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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