I cannot find my penis.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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