I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
