life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
