You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
